Tuesday, November 01, 2005

And the caged bird sings...

Heard something MUCH needed today while in the office this afternoon; put my head back on right. Just soothed my soul and calmed my nerves. Essentially it put all back into perspective. See, yesterday eve, the 8 year old came home with an issue from school where a kid wouldn't let him pass to the teacher's desk. Now it's been very clear he is never to strike first and to avoid physical conflict until it is an absolute last resort. Should he need to defend himself he only does so to get away and contact an adult. Well, his father came to the house for dinner last night to take them out for candy later. As I'm getting ready to go to work I hear him yelling at him to beat this kid in the face until a teacher has to peel him off of him. And if he doesn't he's going to get is ass kicked when he gets home.

Well this sends me reeling of course but I am in no position to say anything because he is the child's father - who the hell am I? Right?! So needless to say I find this advice beyond neanderthal but more importantly it's irresponsible. Which sums this guy up in a nutshell, in my humble opinion but that's another issue, lol. Anyway, I left the house in a hurry for fear of the blood in my mouth making me sicker than I was already feeling from anger/frustration, all kinds of great stuff.

As I drove the short distance to work I worked on my composure as I had a long night before me and came to the brutal and honest realization, THESE ARE NOT MY KIDS! That is all there is to it. And as heart broken as it felt it was something I had to face and get over. Will I get over it, certainly and I'm sure I'll even forget again and cause myself further grief for it in the future. I guess I never realized just how vested in them I was because I do tend to keep a shield up - hell, I was a step kid growing up and I know how we can be so I am guarded but I know now not enough - no, just not prepared I guess for the fall out that will continue to occur in my position from time to time.

So I feel very much trapped in the untitled position I'm in and I know I am the one they come to for help with homework, for hair products and clothing, for school supplies, or even just money to go to the game. I know they do respect me and value my opinions especially since I'm asked by the teens "how do I look" fifteen or MANY more times a day...but when it really counts I guess I just felt like I don't. I left for work feeling very disregarded, inconvenienced, ambushed, and with out any sort of consideration. I truly felt uncomfortable in my own home; I didn't belong, I didn't fit in and I couldn't get the hell out of there fast enough. I can honestly say I STILL feel lost; stranded is an even better word to describe this. At this point, my emotions or transcending to numb and then they will pass. My chest is a tight bunch of bands around my heart at this point barely allowing me to breathe. And I cannot help but continue to ponder my place, my voice, my role in these kids lives...what do I do with that?

What to do with this "father's" advice...nothing.

This 8 year old boy who is so gentle and loving and GOOD, I mean really GOOD is being told to turn into a monster - and I can only hope that GOOD in him tells him the right path to take. If I'm asked, I'll be honest, after all - he was literally told to do everything I exactly expressed for him not to do. He was told not to tell anyone and to just pummel this kid. Now there's SO many things wrong with this but just to take the fact that he is a gentle (strong but gentle) boy, what if he gets hurt...who will feel bad for that? What if he really hurts the other boy...who will feel bad for that? And if HE was guilty of not letting someone pass and they climbed all over his face and hurt him, I'd be in that office so fast looking for that child's removal and pressing charges...who would feel bad for that? Do we teach violence as a society - ABSOLUTELY! How do we stop it? From home...and who could feel bad for that?!


DrM2B said...

so many questions....first...why why was he over ??? second...where was Ang?....Third....Have you and Ang talked? or are you still too hot over it to be civil? or are you at the point of shut down and thinking "I shouldnt have to explain my thoughts at this point...she should understand"......(not counting anymore...just rambling....teehee)

What is the status of their dissolvement? What if anything did the 8 yr old say? How did he react to this?

and yeah..Ive said it all along.....They are not your kids...I knew this was going to hit the fan one day....now that it has ....how are U going to maintain so you dont continue to feel used, taken for granted, resentful, and bitter?? What is the status of the other path U were planning?? Is the anger and hurt coming from that not coming to fruition? I could understand that.

U have alot to think about....and btw...U never did say what was told to U when U got to work....that put your head on straight.


DrM2B said...

oh...one more thought......U do have a say..... more than U are giving yourself credit for., IT IS YOUR HOUSE!!!!! and when anyone is under your roof...U have the right to ask them to behave in any manner U wish. If they are not able to oblige U this request.....then they are to leave! I believe if U were to stand up and say your piece last nite...in front of the boy...and the boys mother and sperm doner ....There would be a new found level of respect for U. Up til now .....U have been invisible....its time to put the hammer down chica! Behave or get the fluck out!! (oohhhh, dont I sound all bad and everything.....)


Goeve said...

Hang on a sec...
It's a holiday and we like keeping things cool between all of us and there is no issue with their father (not sperm donor as he's around too much LOL) coming over and spending time with them - they need that and he SHOULD do that. He and I usually get along quite well, actually. Obviously I don't agree with all that he says or does but we are civil and cordial.

As far as the child's response, I don't know as I left for work. As for speaking up...I thought the very same thing about speaking up, if it's against my grain under my roof I have a right to say something but at what cost? Is it worth creating a scene in front of the kids...I don't feel it is. 1) not in frame of mind to maintain and 2)they do not the tension even though it's a matter of belief vs. how to raise your son, it's still not something I would be comfortable with and not worth creating an issue especially as I can't linger due to heading for work. And it's OUR roof, we are together and committed and I do not see that any differently. So, I don't pull the 'my house' ever, I don't feel that way about it. If that were the case he wouldn't come by at all, I don't think.

Anyway, my main concern is how it affects my relationship with them and their mother. There will certainly be a CALM and rational conversation once work sched subside so we can be united in how we want to handle things in the future including this issue at hand. We always have been in sync so that's not an issue.

I do believe this really affected me in various ways because I found it so wrong (the advice) and I had to go to work (which I hate) and it contradicted what I had just discussed with him only a few hours earlier so I felt just really stupid.

As far as what put my head on straight, a little Sarah sang by and just hit the right chakra... Yea, that's for your bennies, ha ha

I don't care to live with the sense that they are not my kids, I do know that because then there's really no point in my being in this relationship, we are a family and I need to figure out how to incorporate him in my life and not rebel as that just causes me issues.

Perhaps to become more aware of... not boundaries but times when their will be conflict or learn how to handle such situations in the future. I don't know exactly. It was just a very strong blow that I will recover from indeed but as far as feeling used or bitter or even resentful - it's nothing that dark - I just feel a little crushed like I don't rate and honestly, I know I do.

Ah, the other path...took me a moment...I know emotionally I've been on a crazy heightened roller coaster since that started and I was just in for my check up last week still awaiting word. It's been discussed but I'm to the point of not trying again...I don't like where it put my head. We'll see, I know it certainly doesn't help this situation or those like it but ... whether or not we try again, I'm just not even thinking about it right now.

Whew, had a lot to cover...lol!

DrM2B said...

well....YES U did ! ....Actually, I was a little worried last couple days after I put my two cents in ,,,and then the comments were turned off. Now, I really dont see any other things that U did HTML wise ---and it really is okay if you just decided to turn off the comments to STOP this big mouth !!! LOL

anywhol..glad to see u're back...im at FRC again al, day today working on my comps. I have til Tuesday to get my rewrites in.......speaking of bad weeks ..I got rear -ended last wed. Got a HUGE egg on the side of my head,,,,,some really pretty bruises...and the clincher??? The F'in cop cited me!!!! I got hit..AND got the ticket,,,go figure....I dont have time to think about that until after Tues...but Im gonna fight it in court...the cop told a witness that he was "done with his reprots" so he wasnt going to include this guys info....(which by the way was in my favor!)..lwhat an ass.

anywho...back to my books ...M

Goeve said...

LOL you're such a wise ASS!!!! I know, and many other parts...the idea I could ever shut your mouth ROFLMAO at that one... no but really, I was trying to be clever by changing to link comments back to my page or something of the like in addition to changing the comment line to say something other than "comments". I was rushed while at working last week (WHICH WAS JUST PURE HELL!) and unable to acomplish my task.

I actually commented back at that same time...however my post was evidently blocked as well therefore unseen and unheard.

But, alas, have no fear for even IF (HUGE if) it were possible for me to shut you up (Sorry, still laughing at the thought...) why in the hell would I?! I opened up seeking opinions to perhaps open up my mind or whatever, that's what the blog's for. So, I do thank you for your input and if not too late, I'd love for others to share THEIR 2 cents - not about right or wrong just their thoughts on the subject.