Tuesday, November 01, 2005
And the caged bird sings...
Heard something MUCH needed today while in the office this afternoon; put my head back on right. Just soothed my soul and calmed my nerves. Essentially it put all back into perspective. See, yesterday eve, the 8 year old came home with an issue from school where a kid wouldn't let him pass to the teacher's desk. Now it's been very clear he is never to strike first and to avoid physical conflict until it is an absolute last resort. Should he need to defend himself he only does so to get away and contact an adult. Well, his father came to the house for dinner last night to take them out for candy later. As I'm getting ready to go to work I hear him yelling at him to beat this kid in the face until a teacher has to peel him off of him. And if he doesn't he's going to get is ass kicked when he gets home.
Well this sends me reeling of course but I am in no position to say anything because he is the child's father - who the hell am I? Right?! So needless to say I find this advice beyond neanderthal but more importantly it's irresponsible. Which sums this guy up in a nutshell, in my humble opinion but that's another issue, lol. Anyway, I left the house in a hurry for fear of the blood in my mouth making me sicker than I was already feeling from anger/frustration, all kinds of great stuff.
As I drove the short distance to work I worked on my composure as I had a long night before me and came to the brutal and honest realization, THESE ARE NOT MY KIDS! That is all there is to it. And as heart broken as it felt it was something I had to face and get over. Will I get over it, certainly and I'm sure I'll even forget again and cause myself further grief for it in the future. I guess I never realized just how vested in them I was because I do tend to keep a shield up - hell, I was a step kid growing up and I know how we can be so I am guarded but I know now not enough - no, just not prepared I guess for the fall out that will continue to occur in my position from time to time.
So I feel very much trapped in the untitled position I'm in and I know I am the one they come to for help with homework, for hair products and clothing, for school supplies, or even just money to go to the game. I know they do respect me and value my opinions especially since I'm asked by the teens "how do I look" fifteen or MANY more times a day...but when it really counts I guess I just felt like I don't. I left for work feeling very disregarded, inconvenienced, ambushed, and with out any sort of consideration. I truly felt uncomfortable in my own home; I didn't belong, I didn't fit in and I couldn't get the hell out of there fast enough. I can honestly say I STILL feel lost; stranded is an even better word to describe this. At this point, my emotions or transcending to numb and then they will pass. My chest is a tight bunch of bands around my heart at this point barely allowing me to breathe. And I cannot help but continue to ponder my place, my voice, my role in these kids lives...what do I do with that?
What to do with this "father's" advice...nothing.
This 8 year old boy who is so gentle and loving and GOOD, I mean really GOOD is being told to turn into a monster - and I can only hope that GOOD in him tells him the right path to take. If I'm asked, I'll be honest, after all - he was literally told to do everything I exactly expressed for him not to do. He was told not to tell anyone and to just pummel this kid. Now there's SO many things wrong with this but just to take the fact that he is a gentle (strong but gentle) boy, what if he gets hurt...who will feel bad for that? What if he really hurts the other boy...who will feel bad for that? And if HE was guilty of not letting someone pass and they climbed all over his face and hurt him, I'd be in that office so fast looking for that child's removal and pressing charges...who would feel bad for that? Do we teach violence as a society - ABSOLUTELY! How do we stop it? From home...and who could feel bad for that?!