Saturday, July 15, 2006

? tired ?

Ever not like yourself? I mean, really just can't stand yourself and you want to get away from yourself, which obviously you can't, so you just try to avoid everyone and everything?

For the past 4 days or so I am tired of me. It lightened up a bit a little over the weekend but keeps on coming back. I'm truly trying to shake it as I have people in my life that I'm sure to be making miserable about now. Can't do it.

Guess just the last few days it's come on stronger than ever but I just feel like I exist...no purpose, no contribution, nothing worth while just, exist. Feel like I get up and go through the motions day in and day out, night in and night out and nothing changes and nothing gets better and mentally I get worse and there's no light.

I'm in a cycle right now...I need to quit one job; I really do. Problem is if I quit the one I hate I have to replace it with another (perhaps equally bad or worse) to make up the income loss. If I quit the one that I don't hate, I have no way of leaving the job I hate. See, Job #2 is an apprenticeship that still has about 8 mos. before I'm making any decent (livable) money. And that's being pretty optimistic. But burn out is coming on fast and I haven't had any time to mysself.

I want to run away. From me. How do you do that? I need something to fill this vacant hole in me. My partner thought perhaps I was just bored and needed to spice things up and obviously cut back on job #2 but I don't feel that that's going to solve it - nor do I believe that's the problem, perhaps contributory but not THE problem.

So I'm doing some reading to understand me. To like me. To find me. What do I do? Besides work, what are my interests? What do I do to relax? There's been these memes going around and some of these questions are there and I really don't have an answer. I don't do anything to relax. I don't wind down and I don't have any hobbies. I fucking work!

Guess maybe I just miss me. I used to be fun - go to the park, fly a kite, play ball, go to the lake, run around and laugh...

Now... I'm old - this solid, wirey grey hair just keeps looking back at me in the mirror. I'm becoming bitter, and angry, and tense, and tired. It will pass - it's the AZ summer blues because they do hit hard and I was losing my mind this time last year as well. I know this weather, hellish as it IS, contributes greatly. But I also know I do truly need to find myself, spend more time with friends and family and less at work. I was JUST on vacation yet I don't fee like it at all. I know I'm burned out and I need to rectify that as well. I guess this is just a vent in some desperate attempt to release whatever this yuck is within me. I've had a lot of yuck as of late and I don't know that I can wait for September (autumn) for it to dissipate...more importantly - I doubt my family can.

What's a gal to do...? I'm going to Disneyland!

1 comment:

DrM2B said...

I thought It was just me going thru overload .....I had to stay home with KorKor wed....she was puking all tues nite....and well I immediately had visions of Porsche....then Thursday afternoon some sox audit re ID's blew my NAC ID out of the system and my director had to send an email with all the pertinent info to the reclaimation dept. (with a minimum 24 hr time period before it would be reinstated).....so friday I stayed home....(day 2 no billable hours)....No word by fri afternoon so I couldnt go in Sat for Fri's hrs. Im burnt too dude....with my Dissertation forever looming overhead....cant ever relax because Im worried about that. but then I get resentful and paralyze so I stay in bed all day on my days off......ya I know....suck it up and get it written......BAH! I think we need a day trip! on a saturday coming up soon!