? tired ?

Ever not like yourself? I mean, really just can't stand yourself and you want to get away from yourself, which obviously you can't, so you just try to avoid everyone and everything?

For the past 4 days or so I am tired of me. It lightened up a bit a little over the weekend but keeps on coming back. I'm truly trying to shake it as I have people in my life that I'm sure to be making miserable about now. Can't do it.

Guess just the last few days it's come on stronger than ever but I just feel like I exist...no purpose, no contribution, nothing worth while just, exist. Feel like I get up and go through the motions day in and day out, night in and night out and nothing changes and nothing gets better and mentally I get worse and there's no light.

I'm in a cycle right now...I need to quit one job; I really do. Problem is if I quit the one I hate I have to replace it with another (perhaps equally bad or worse) to make up the income loss. If I quit the one that I don't hate, I have no way of leaving the job I hate. See, Job #2 is an apprenticeship that still has about 8 mos. before I'm making any decent (livable) money. And that's being pretty optimistic. But burn out is coming on fast and I haven't had any time to mysself.

I want to run away. From me. How do you do that? I need something to fill this vacant hole in me. My partner thought perhaps I was just bored and needed to spice things up and obviously cut back on job #2 but I don't feel that that's going to solve it - nor do I believe that's the problem, perhaps contributory but not THE problem.

So I'm doing some reading to understand me. To like me. To find me. What do I do? Besides work, what are my interests? What do I do to relax? There's been these memes going around and some of these questions are there and I really don't have an answer. I don't do anything to relax. I don't wind down and I don't have any hobbies. I fucking work!

Guess maybe I just miss me. I used to be fun - go to the park, fly a kite, play ball, go to the lake, run around and laugh...

Now... I'm old - this solid, wirey grey hair just keeps looking back at me in the mirror. I'm becoming bitter, and angry, and tense, and tired. It will pass - it's the AZ summer blues because they do hit hard and I was losing my mind this time last year as well. I know this weather, hellish as it IS, contributes greatly. But I also know I do truly need to find myself, spend more time with friends and family and less at work. I was JUST on vacation yet I don't fee like it at all. I know I'm burned out and I need to rectify that as well. I guess this is just a vent in some desperate attempt to release whatever this yuck is within me. I've had a lot of yuck as of late and I don't know that I can wait for September (autumn) for it to dissipate...more importantly - I doubt my family can.

What's a gal to do...? I'm going to Disneyland!